Monday, April 7, 2008

On Ineptitude

So, back in the day, people would write books on subjects and call them "On..." something, like "On Race," "On Poverty," or "On Democracy." They would choose such a title, I presume, because they thought it would be the be all and end all to these discussions. They would finish writing that last page and think, "well, that's that - no one could possibly have anything more to say about this subject." Well, this is my attempt to close the conversation on the ineptitude of human beings, by telling you a tale of this weekend past.

On Ineptitude

Let me set the scene for you. A party is occurring at my apartment, in honor of a mutual friend of both my roommates, Jordan, whom I had never met. My roommate Ed invites a few friends, and Jordan brings an entourage of four friends, two male, two female. Drinks are had and laughs transpire. I did not partake for the festivities as I had other plans, but I returned to find Jordan leaving the party. Naturally, my two roommates and I only assumed that with this departure his friends would follow. Not the case. So, the scene is set. An apartment, alcohol, and strange guests.

Thinking nothing of the matter, I retire to my room for some snacks and TV. Roommate Akbar follows behind, as he is not drinking either, and wants to chat about the strangers. We chat a bit, then decide its time for sleep, and head out to get ready. As we are in the kitchen, we notice one of the unknown girls is getting up to go to the bathroom. With a stumble, she nearly topples over, almost taking a flimsy Ikea chair with her. However, she successfully reaches our half bath.

After some time, a knock greets our ears with a muted thud. Thinking it may be the coppers, we quiet down and Ed opens the front door, only to find the emptiness of the hallway staring back at him. Continuing our conversations only momentarily, we are again interrupted by a thud, thud, thud. This time, recognizing that the knock is indeed coming from inside the apartment, a few of the guests head towards the bathroom.

In the kitchen, Akbar and I discuss the prospect that our stumbly guest is vomiting in our half bath, and we agree on the notion that this is just "not-cool." However, after a minute of this, we hear from the hallway the friend of the girl in the bathroom say, "do you see my credit card? Did it make it under the door? Can you see it?" Absolutely perplexed, we walk to the bathroom, to find the friend on the ground, peeking under the door, and sliding multiple credit cards underneath it. "What is going on?," I ask.

"She is stuck in the bathroom!"

Thinking that there must be something wrong with the lock, I suggest unscrewing the doorknob. However, they persist with the credit card strategy. Convinced we were getting nowhere, and increasingly becoming aware of the fact that the girl in the bathroom couldn't even find the credit cards being slipped to her (mind you the floor is all of 3X3 feet), I decide I have to ask... "Uhh, so I have to ask the obvious question... did anyone suggest that she just unlock the door..?"

The answer may surprise you, as it did me. "No!"

No, the first response of the people assisting was not to see if she had tried the lock, but instead to slip her credit cards! Beyond me... So then becomes the task of having her unlock the door (keep in mind that no less than 5 minutes earlier, she herself had locked said door... keep that in mind). This proved harder than you'd ever imagine. One of the reasons being, as I noticed, the lights were off in the bathroom. Again, I said, "Uhh, did anyone suggest that she turn on the lights..?"

Again, "NO." Shocked. This itself took 3 minutes for her to get the lights on (contextual note: the bathroom has TWO light switches on opposing walls, including one that is LIT UP itself!! This gave her a 50% chance that if she just chose a wall and felt around, she'd hit that oh so elusive switch). Three minutes of struggling finally produced light. Success! Now she'll clearly be able to just unlock the door and come out. Wrong.

"Do you see the doorknob?" says the friend on the floor. "No..." replies a paranoid voice. "Find the doorknob, and look in the middle of it, do you see a lock? What position is it in, hot dog style or hamburger style?" (I kid you not this is what actually transpired). "I can't find the doorknob.." In the background pipes in one of the male unknown guests with "I am about 3o seconds from calling the landlord." Yes, I can see that now (after said male guest awkwardly asks the tenants for this phone number) - "Uhhh... hey, Felix..." "Who's this?" "Uhh, there is a girl locked inside the bathroom at this apartment... can you come let her out?" Felix replies, "Is there something wrong with the lock?" "Uhhh, no... she's just really drunk, and can't figure it out..." Click. Felix hangs up, and goes back to sleep, because it is 3 am.

Finally, understanding that this girl just wasn't going to figure out how to unlock the door (again, the same one she locked herself only minutes earlier, and which she really only need to twist the same piece of metal the opposite direction, just 90 small degrees) it was decided that we would pick the lock. So we found a small metal object and picked the lock, at which point the girl, who was on the floor the whole time (of a 3X3 foot bathroom, meaning that the credit cards were undoubtedly right in front of her), literally spills out onto the floor.

15 minutes later her friends and the girl somehow managed to trek the 15 feet from the bathroom door to our apartment door. How it only took them that long I'll never know...

Thus, let it be known that the ineptitude as the subject of this treatise should not only be the girl who locked herself inside a bathroom (which is indeed truly inept... I mean besides basic functioning like eating and sleeping, twisting of the hand is something that many of our friends in the animal kingdom of lesser intelligence have mastered as well... and unlocking a door is a learnable skill for even our canine and feline friends). No, no, the ineptitude lies equally on the shoulders of the 3 friends of the girl, who's first reaction was not to ask if she'd tried the lock, or to notice that the lights were off (there is a window at ceiling level that makes this determination all the more obvious)... No, their response was "this girl is too drunk to unlock the door herself, but clearly she'll be able to use these credit cards to jiggle the door open..."

And this my friends, is the story of the most inept I have ever seen any one human being be.


Nick N. said...

Hahaha, WOW. I'm really having a hard time believing this actually happened. That is one mind-numbingly stupid individual.

I hope she is not a random avid reader of this blog. That'd be awkward.

Devin E said...

Hahaha. I still am in disbelief that it happened.

I prefer that she does randomly stumble upon this blog just so she could see what she's done. I'm sure she'd be pleased.